Stuart's Secret

**Disclaimer...I do have permission to write this, so make fun of him all that you want.**



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Stuart is a sleep talker. A bad one. Here are some examples:



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Stuart wakes me up in the middle of the night demanding that I get out of the bed. As I am trying to get out, he is throwing all of the pillows in the middle of the bed. He grabs the comforter and throws that in the middle too. I am like “What the heck is going on?”. He says (and I quote), “There is a grenade in the bed, get out of the room!”

Here is my problem with this – if there was a grenade, leaving the room will not save me.

So, I walk across our apartment to the spare bath, use it, and then walk back in the bedroom. The bed is perfectly made back up with Stuart snoring.

Uh……ok.



I get back in bed and go to sleep.

The next morning, when we wake up, I ask, “So what about them grenades?”.

Stuart, “Whoa, I totally had a dream about grenades last night! How did you know?”

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Please note that I have absolutely no idea who Archie Manning is. We also constantly had people coming over to our house in the middle of the night to spend the night.

Stuart wakes me up to tell me that Archie Manning is coming over.

Me: Well, what time?

Stuart: I don’t know.

Me: Is the front door unlocked?

Stuart: I don’t know.

Me: So what time is he coming? Is he going to lock the door behind him?

Stuart: Ann, he might already be in the living room, I am not sure what time he is coming over.

Me: Well, do you know if he locked the door behind him? Our bedroom door is open, I want to close it.

Stuart: I DON’T KNOW WHAT TIME HE IS COMING, BUT IM SURE HE WILL LOCK THE DOOR.

Me: I CANT SLEEP WITH THE DOOR UNLOCKED.

It finally dawns on me that “Archie Manning” sounds a little too familiar. Like a football player or his dad.


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I wake up to Stu running his arm up and down the side of me (as I am sleeping on my back).

Me: What are you looking for?

Stuart: Abby

Me: She is not in the bed (has never slept in the bed with us)

Stuart leaning over me to feel the other side of me: Yes, she is in here.

Me: No, she is not. Go to sleep.

Stuart pats my stomach, still looking for her.

Me sitting up in bed: DON’T TOUCH ME. Go to sleep.

I lay back down.

A few seconds pass.

I open one eye to see Stuart about 3 inches from my face staring.

Me: STOP…What are you looking at?

Stuart: Was I just looking for Abby?


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One night we were both falling asleep and I guess I moved my hand against his leg. All of a sudden, he jumps out of bed, ripping all of the covers off with him. Of course, I am one step behind him, screaming.

Me: What the crap just happened?

Stuart: I think there was a spider on my leg.

Me: I touched your leg.

Stuart: Oh, well I guess that was it.




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Every night is a new adventure into the weirdness that is Stu.